Film Hindi Review

Son Of Sardaar

While it makes little sense to review a Diwali release of any sort, we will try our best to put into words this splendid two-and-a-half-hour Santa-Banta-joke-gone-wrong:

Ajay Devgn, in a turban, enters a bar. He downs two lassis on the rocks, trying to get into character for his next home production. Puneet Issar, the man responsible for the lowest-rated film in Upperstall history (I Am Singh – 2%), walks in after him.

Issar: “Are you sure you want to ditch the North-Anon session today? We could maybe pick up a few words other than’Oye Paaji’ and ‘Puttar’ there by preying on weak old Om Puri sahib…”

Devgn: “Paaji, please. That group is a joke. What disgusts me is that Akki also attends these North-Anon sessions and is genuinely apologetic about Singh is Kinng. Boman is being regretful about Lage Raho Munna Bhai, WHY? Sunny paaji is still in hiding from NYC authorities. And a kal ka launda like Ranbir is the bloody coordinator. What has he done to deserve such authority? It’s a conspiracy, I tell you”. *intense gaze*

Issar: “You look better like this, Puttar. Intensity is your strength. Have you seen that Life’s too short episode where Liam Neeson walks into Ricky Gervais’s office and tells him that he wants to become a stand-up comic? Did you see how serious he was? He reminded me of a graceful version of you…”

Devgn: “Oye, shut up Paaji. All I need to do is convince Sanju Baba that his chins will add to his family-feud image in this film. He is worried that too many close-ups of him could be worse than his English voiceover in a recent ad.”

Issar: “What I did in I Am Singh was distract the audience by always putting somebody worse than me in the same frame.”

Devgn: *Muffled laugh* “Worse? Vindoo Dara Singh will be a good choice. Both of them together on screen will symbolize the very meaning of EVIL. *Intense thinking gaze* So the opening credit sequence should be a nice, tacky throwback to the Japanese Jurassic City films with me on two horses and then jumping off the Big Ben. No relation, of course. I’ll get Sallu Bhai to come in, as my friend, like a sort of a meta tribute to his kind of cinema.”

Issar: “I prefer Sunny Paaji…”

Devgn: “What you prefer is immaterial. One frame of Sallu Bhai will earn more than all the NRI generations who funded your *ahem* patriotic take on our community…”

Issar: “MY community!”

Devgn: “Oye Paaji, chillax. When I smile and do Bhai kind of steps, even though I lack the charisma and gall to pull it off, the badly-choreographed action-chase sequences with 5D cameras placed at RGV angles will distract the audience. Also, do you know any cinematographer that can make Sonakshi look like she’s not doing us a favour?”

Issar: “You will easily end up as the best actor in your film, puttar. One intense unrequited love scene with Sonakshi that does not mirror your obsession to beat SRK at his own game will be enough. With Sanju Baba mouthing Ashwani Dhirâ’s lines and Juhi Chawla driving home the suppressed Sikh woman stereotype, you are sorted!”

Devgn: “Let’s see our North-Anon ‘addicts’ laugh at us then. Though I find Sidhu paaji very sweet…”

Issar: “But he is a real Sikh. I wonder why he is there.”

Devgn: “Oh.”

Issar: “Waise, what will the story be?”

Devgn: “Oye Paaji, have you seen QSQT?”

Issar: “Yes of course.”

Devgn: “Exactly. Hulchul? Akshaye Khanna paaji pulled it off despite his intense, brooding image. Like me.”

Issar: “Er, no.”

Devgn: “Exactly! What about Maryada Ramanna and Our Hospitality?”

Issar: “No.”

Devgn: “Good, those were unoriginal anyway.”

Issar: “Oye puttar, you should smile sometimes. You laugh also with a straight face. Lot of pain in your eyes. Is everything okay at home?”

Devgn: “YRF, yaar. That Son Of…”

Issar: “Sardaar! *looks at Ranbir standing right behind them*”

Ranbir: “Bad boys. You both need to share more often. Now repeat after me – I am a Sikh and I do not need to be loud and foolish to show that I am one. I am proud of my heritage…”

Devgn: “Heritage can go to take oil. I will show you Devgn’s Haryana now, not Deol’s Bhatinda and Chopra’s Punjab. I am confident of the masala content I have. I have even sent Dhir on a film writing course that combines Sajid Khan’s unique brand of humour with Ekta madam’s unique ability to stretch scenes into episodes.”

Ranbir: “Let me tell you guys a joke. Knock Knock.”

Devgn: “Who’s there, oye paaji?”

SRK: “Me.”

Score5%

Hindi, Comedy, Action, Color

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