Having despised Nationalism as the most divisive of political notions for most of my conscious life I now find that it does have certain charms and attractions. Now, especially as my youth is spent I join former Test Cricketer Saeed Anwer in his call to stop and abolish the menace of cricket which he says he would never have taken up as a career had he not been a misguided youth in his early days. His argument certainly has merits.
Firstly, if we despise everything that has been enforced upon us by the loathsome and godless West then it only makes perfect sense that cricket be the first “firangi import” that receives outright rejection from those who love their true nation, unblemished by outside interferences and insidious foreign influences and lets not forget the famed “foreign hand” either.
Cricket was invented by the Anglo-Jewish-American-Zionist imperialists as a means to cultural, political, religious and commercial domination of the planet. Buoyed by the enormous success of The Opium War, the conniving Westerners devised a brilliant plan by which they would spread a bubonic plague like virus in the form of cricket which would enslave millions and colonize lands without even the hint of military might.
The indolent masses of South Asia would eventually be seduced by the subtle political and sexual undertones of the vile sport and be rendered addicted for days and weeks at a time; spurning industry and advancement while being transfixed by 13 Men running around a park chasing a red leather ball. It was thought by the heathens that the people would even forget their supreme religious duties when the masses would be drunk on the intoxication of the sport.
The Westerners thought they had found the key to controlling the masses of South Asia and they were incredibly successful in their endeavours until finally the Saviours of the True Faith, the Taliban have arrived to remind all of us exactly what we should and shouldn’t be doing with our lives. As in Cambodia when the Khmer Rouge and Saloth Sar rode to power, the first thing they tried to eliminate was their colonial past. In order to progress, we must follow suit and abolishing cricket should be the start.
Second on the list of things to do would be abolition of the English Language, ties, trousers and shirts, even underwear was designed by the heathen. We must abandon our TV sets and our Radios, our Swatches and watches, all mobile phones, our automobiles and indeed electricity as a whole (something we have nearly already achieved in the last year in Pakistan). We must purge any and every influence of Western-Zionist dictates and be free not only in body but in mind. Those who even think in English should have instant lobotomy (which would be performed strictly in accordance with Shariah Laws) and anyone found celebrating their birthdays with a cake rather than with dates should be denounced before having their posteriors lashed in public. Any woman seen in public should be dealt with in the prescribed Taliban manner with a swift bullet or two to the head and chest regions, remember, that in doing so, you will be granted a permanent place in the Eternal Garden of Beauty.
The Pakistani government has just signed an accord with the Taliban (who the next day kidnapped and beheaded a journalist and then sewed his head back in place for good measure as a message to warn the government not to dare to play any silly games with them). The Pakistani government perhaps has also relegated World War 2 from history maybe because it was “their war”. Yet if the lessons of the Great War were to be summed up in a single sentence, the sentence might well be that appeasement never works, never has and never will.
As for the sport of Cricket, we don’t even actually need to abolish it because what Lalit Modi and the Indian Cricket Board have done to the sport with the IPL is enough to make any true cricket lover begin to loathe the sport they once loved. Shilpa Shetty, Preity Zinta and Shahrukh Khan talking team selection and tactics…with no disrespect to the considerable talents of either people, nothing further needs to be said. T20 to be fair is after all nothing but a mutant inbred bastard offspring of that odious colonial relic.
We feel Buzkashi played with a human head would be far more suitable as the new National Sport, to the burning bowels of the bottomless pit of hell with the likes of Cricket, Hockey, Tennis, Golf, Scrabble, Tiddlywinks and the like. We are proud of our Gilli Danda and our Pitthoo Garam’s thank you very much. The next article will be written in chaste and correct Arabic or god-fearing Pashto perhaps but if that is to happen anytime soon, I better get to praying this instant.