Upperstall’s flyingrodent heroically volunteered to review YRF’s latest Pyaar Impossible. Five minutes into the movie he called filmbear and after a bucketful of incomprehensible insults, stated that he’s going to live text the film.
Except for some cussword starring and un-concatenating SMS speak, here is the transcript verbatim:
flyingrodent: I’m dyin’ here man, and that too alone. I feel like van Gogh, I’m gonna die alone. Like a bum, like van Gogh!
flyingrodent: Is this what Yashraj has been reduced to? This is what Hindi cinema has been reduced to? I want to leave. This is torture. You and I need to get out of this place. Maybe we should go to Turkey.
FilmBear: Umm, at least watch it till half way, then you can mention in the review you couldn’t endure it anymore, make it gimmicky, write half a review and-
flyingrodent: I could. But that’d be cheating. Even if it’s impossible to sit thru, I will survive, as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive, I got all my life… effin A!
flyingrodent: Plus it’s Uday! Usey kya moo dikhaunga? And Jugal! And Piggy effin’ Chops. I’m literally predicting lines 5 scenes ahead! Outstanding!
FilmBear: I see where the clichés in your writing comes from. And moo?! Ha.
flyingrodent: Moo moo, YRF boo!
flyingrodent: The Seasons ads with that hot chick plastered all over city I saw while getting to the theater is the best thing so far. Great stuff.
FilmBear: Yeah I noticed them too. There seems to be a dash of nepotism in it.
flyingrodent: Dino Morea is our answer to Daniel Day-Lewis mate. He’s special! “Do we have a deal?” He’s supposed to be making a software deal. Looks like he is peddling drugs! Is that how software deals are made?
FilmBear: Sometimes. Actually Mr Care does make software deals like that. With his curls and Polaroids on.
flyingrodent: Mr C can do what he ****in’ wants to man. Only Quentin and him in the whole wide world (and web). It’s official. Meanwhile this software deal has been done at double the rates and 20% profit!
FilmBear: You seem to be getting touchy about this portrayal of making a software deal.
It’s interval. flyingrodent calls me and tells me to wish him luck. He’s going to try and sit next to the girl he’s just spotted a few rows behind him. She’s pretty apparently.
flyingrodent: “Hey ma, I’m a ‘jey-dai’” followed by “homework” said with the greatest American accent ever. ***kin’ ever!
flyingrodent: And now the film has unleashed upon the world, the worst child artist ever. I need a nuclear weapon. YRF is next door.
flyingrodent: Oh! Now UC is doing some OTT comedy. It’s only getting better brav. ***k you have to see this. Let’s all review it. Let all the critics at Upperstall unite and mass review this gem. Bring it on!
FilmBear: Now you’re overreacting. It’s only a kid and this is Jugal’s territory.
flyingrodent: He should’ve done the role himself. Would’ve been cuter and better than this juvenile delinquent. Excuse of a child. Ghastly! And oh, oh – piggy just said ‘bon appétit’. Wow!
flyingrodent: Dino just said ‘chuti’ instead of ‘chutti’ (as in holiday). Unintentionally. Fantastic, that’s what Jugal is okaying here, the girl is least of the concerns.
FilmBear: Which girl? The Season’s girl or the pretty one?
flyingrodent: That li’l kid. That girl is least of Jugal’s concerns. Dino is giving her some tough acting competition, and Jugal is giving him some tight fu***n’ closes. F**k UC too.
flyingrodent: Oooh, we just got a Sixth Sense twist (btw, JD is back). UC just joined Piggy’s company as a computer repair-guy and he’s hiding from Dino Day and her. Whoa!
flyingrodent: Oh, prince charming on a motorcycle, how original brav! Chalo Turkey! We’ll do better than Mission Istanbul or Pyaar Impossible. Or Mission Impossible for that matter!
FilmBear: Ha. What’s with this Pyaar Istanbul?
flyingrodent: That’s good! That’s what we’ll call our turkey film. As in not a ‘turkey’ of our film… you know what I mean…
flyingrodent: UC looks like Sikander Kher bro! Just saw it! F***!
flyingrodent: It’s about to get over, hopefully. Log gire hue hain, brav, gire hue, effin a! Hey that rhymes.
flyingrodent: How could this script inspire two best friends to f*** one of their fathers company and the other’s directorial career? How brother? What’s happening man? Like what?!
flyingrodent: Piggy can also go do herself man. ***kin’ tired of her double takes – ooh there was # 3247 to go with her 563 “likes”. She keeps saying “like” man! *u** it now a speech on how to love. Oh yes, I could use some tips!
FilmBear: Sad to see Piggy do such films…
flyingrodent: You betcha mate! 1st Harman, then Love Story, and What’s Your Rashee. And now this! It’s all goin’ down man! Dino just said “nenny” for “nanny”. Again, okayed by India’s answer to Chris Nolan, the great Jugal H!
flyingrodent: Oh yeah, it’s official. Worst film ever! Just take these SMSes and string them together for the review. Go for it!
FilmBear: No, you will still have to write the review. Maybe I’ll put them up as a blog post.
flyingrodent: Don’t! Are you crazy? Btw, Dino just gotta know at the time of a worldwide presentation that the password has been changed. And a thumbs up happened!
flyingrodent: This is amateur filmmaking at its worst. Never before has anything this bad been ever imagined man, this is it! Glad MJ died and left a world that had to deal with this.
FilmBear: You’ve done it man. You lived! Now, umm, if you don’t mind – could you possibly please watch the next show of Dulha Mil Gaya…
Incredibly, he still sent in the review. If you’re interested in reading it, it’s here. He called me later to ask what’s the lowest we’ve ever rated a film… He gave it an 8. On 100.
PS- The featured pic is of *the* Seasons Girl.