The real hero is not Saif or Anil or Akshaye, nor Katrina, Bipasha or Sameera. Nor the director, writer (??), or anyone else involved with the film. It’s serendipity. Coincidence. Chance. That’s what makes the plot and the characters of Race work, that’s what takes the film forward. And that is simply not good enough.

It’s amazing how even today, some films can throw plausibility out of the window, not worry about rationale or logic, and still make a blockbuster, which Race is probably destined to become. It is a highly inconsistent film, with no coherent plot or idea to speak of. Sibling rivalry gone wrong meets insurance policy scam meets betrayal in love meets double crossing in this incredible Bollywood falooda gone sour. Served piping hot with a huge star-cast by the director duo of Abbas-Mustan, Race leaves you cold.

Here’s a sampling of how it goes:

Saif Ali Khan is a risk-friendly business tycoon who loves to race his thoroughbreds and jump from the sky in fast moving cars. The directors actually makes us sit through two identical horse race sequences. But by the second race, we are introduced to an alcoholic brother (Akshyae), a secretary who seems to love him but can’t express it (Katrina), and a girlfriend who he likes but gives up because his brother says he will give up drinking if he gets the girlfriend (Bipasha). Sounds like an interesting plot? Wait. There’s much more. By the time you digest this, the girlfriend turns out to be a fraud, the brother hates him and wants his money, and they both join hands to plot his death and claim a 100 crore insurance in his name. Ah, the proverbial twist, you say. Hang on. It seems the plotting girlfriend is still in love with Saif, and is actually double crossing the brother so that he and not Saif is killed. In the mean time, the horses and races are completely forgotten. Even as we brace ourselves for scene where Bipasha is going to kill Akshaye, it is Saif she betrays and kills. Huh? It’s interval time, and a fruit devouring inspector (Anil Kapoor) with the hot but stupid secretary played by Sameera make an entrance. And as they investigate, we uncover a chain of mysteries: Saif is not dead, Bipasha is still with Saif, Katrina is married to Saif, Akshaye and Katrina are in love and actually plotting Bipasha’s death to claim his insurance, Anil Kapoor is in cahoots with Akshaye, Anil Kapoor is in cahoots with Saif…

Analyzing the film is pointless, and indeed not required. Because the film is unpretentious, perhaps the only good thing that can be said about it. It would have been ok for Race to have been made with this limpid excuse of a script, but the directors falter with the execution, and that’s perhaps its real downfall. The only thing it attempts to be is a “slick action thriller”, full of hot women, fast cars, and incredible stunts. Unfortunately, our audience has been treated to movies like Die Hard 4.0 and The Bourne Ultimatum, which probably define this genre. Race feeds us these ingredients too far and few, and tries to weave in a story in the moments between. It ends up being a lame version of what it aspired. Not quite sexy, not exactly exciting, and definitely not a great watch.